The voice inside scares me

It whispers your name
All day
Every day

I need to silence it somehow

My mind knows
You don’t love me
You don’t care

But that voice
It keeps insisting

Why does he say that
Why did he do that
He must like you

But whenever I open my hands
To ask
He says no
He doesn’t show

So I keep reaching
Then retreating

I can’t seem to stop myself
From giving
Everything

To men who don’t deserve it

Tell me how to stop
Loving you
Tell me please

I can’t live this way
Waiting for
A sign
Letting hope break me
Over
And
Over
Again

You don’t give me anything

But confusion
Sometimes I suspect
That you want
Something from me
But you never say what it is

You just look at me
Occasionally
Like I have
An answer

But you never ask
So I don’t mention
How just being next to you
Destroys my peace

Makes my skin wild
And my mind
Belligerent

Just being next to you
Makes me want to
Show the weakest parts of me
Bear my scars
And hope you don’t flinch

But I keep as much
Distance
As I can manage

Because you don’t give me anything
You don’t love me
You don’t reach out for me
You don’t
Show up for me

You don’t give me
What I need from a man

So I cry
And I try

To escape your name
Everyday
As it hides in my thoughts

It takes so much effort
To pretend
You don’t mean
Anything to me

I want a love

That transcends all boundaries
That fills me with
Hope
And appreciation

I want a love
With strong arms
And a happy heart

I want a fearless lover
Who is a challenge
As well as a comfort

I want a partner
Who excels in humor
And kindness

Who doesn’t take opinions
Of the masses
Into his head

I want a warrior
To compliment my inner warrior
And together
We can decide
Where to stand
And where to yield

I want a man
Who can hold
When I bend
And can soften
When I cannot

One day
He will look at me
And be amazed
Just as I will
Think he is amazing

I want a love
That is overflowing with magic

I will not take
Anything lesser

Thinking about you

Creates all kinds of joy
And sadness
Inside me

The things about you
I admire
Don’t seem to expire

Your tendency to say what you believe
No matter what

Your fearlessness
Your sly humor

Your gentleness

I don’t know many men
Like you

Smart and strong in a way
No one expects
The quiet confidence
You don’t need to display
It just is

I wish I was like that
I wish I was
Different

Like you’re
Different

The things that make you beautiful
Are easy to see

Every day
I’m reminded

And it’s ok
If I receive only
Glimpses

I’ve learned
That you cannot keep
Or own
Or trust
Anyone you love
Completely

You must let them lie
Let them live

And if they find you
If they want you

They will do so

So I wait
I don’t mind

And if you
Find your happiness
Anywhere else
I will
Hide my devastation
I will swallow
my disappointment

They never tell you

That it’s all a lie

No one tells you
It’s dangerous
To fall in love

No one tells you
How to keep yourself
Separate and safe

And when you’re seven years old
No one tells you

That the people closest
Are the ones
That hurt you the most

Why do we let
Little girls believe
Someone will be there
To save them

It isn’t true

It makes us weak
From the start

They say
Don’t worry
Someday
You will meet the one
And it will be meant to be
And you will get your happy ending
Your soul mate

So we grow older
With this parasitic idea
Of what to expect
Out of life
Conditioned to be pleasing
For someone else
Trained to take care of
Someone else

But who takes care of us?

And when the only men
That claim to love you
Break your bones

What then

What lies are left

Who’s fault is it?

Because we still believe

It’s ours

We always believe
It’s our fault

It must be because I’m weak

I allowed it
To happen

Tell me why
forgiving yourself
Is so hard to do

I can’t seem to manage it
Ever

I have spent a year
Coaxing all the best parts of me
Back

After you had destroyed
Them

But I can’t feel them
In my hands
Or in my heart

Sometimes I believe
That loneliness
Is all I deserve

For what I let you do
To me

Tell me how
How do people live
With so many parts
Missing

Maybe emptiness is normal

I would rather be empty
Than filled with the filth
You put inside me

I’d rather be alone
Than
Be
Violated
Ever

Again

I can’t stand this

I need to tell someone
This propensity I have
To fall in love
Is causing all kinds of
Trouble
To my soul

I can’t contain it

You are
All I think about
And when the darkness
Comes for me
And the memories
Try to break me
Again
I struggle
With my secrets

Would you be able to hear
Them

Or would you
Look at me like they do

Like I’m
Ruined
Lost
Pathetic

If I whispered to you
The names of the demons
That plague me
Would you attempt to banish them
Or would you
Try not to touch me
And find an excuse
To leave

This is the trouble
With love

You can never be sure
If it’s real
And lasting
Or just
Visiting